by Yosimar Reyes

I’m sitting in my Early British Lit Class and clearly I am bored out of my mind. We are discussing one these stories in the Cranberry Tales or some shit. (I hate white literature!)

Anyway, I am so bored I log on to see what kinda trade SF State campus has to offer. I have always been a greedy betch so since early on I vowed to myself never to date or smash an undergrad. They are filled with student debt (not that grad students are any better but at least they made it that far in their academic careers)

I come across a profile that reads, “DL Professional Latino”  like I said I am a greedy betch so the word professional let’s me know this dude will at least call me a uber home and who knows I might even be able to extort him if I get him to send me a dick pic.

“Interesting profile”, I type.

Brrrrrp (Inset Grindr sound effect here)

“Into?” he replies

Ok betch this is moving fast.

Between a couple more brrrrrp’s (insert more Grindr sound effects here) next thing I know I am standing at the corner of Holloway and Arellano Ave waiting for a white Toyota Camry he called to pick me up. (I told you betch a real professional sends you uber)

I hop on my ride and off we go to the hills of Daly City. I am passing all these nice houses so I know this man got coins to be living like white people.

“Hey I think I am here. Can you come out?” I send.

Betch early on I also learn to never be one of these anonymous hook ups that tell you to just walk in the house. Betch I am undocumented what if you try to frame me telling the cops I broke in. No Ma’am I am lady meet me at the door!

Homeboy comes out and you know usually with these kinda hook ups you have to have a low exception because most people don’t look like their pictures. Thankfully, I come from a strong lineage of puta ancestors that always have my back. Homeboy is HELLA fine. “Thank you god” I whisper to the sky.

I walk into his house and betch right in front of me there is huge portrait of him, his little kid, a dog and his wife!

Betch this man is in the DL for real for real. It is here that my ethics as a feminist are places into questioned. As a feminist I am well aware that in a misogynistic culture woman are placed against one another to compete for the attention of men.

As someone that did not want to contribute to that paradigm of oppression I was ready to turn back and then I remember that in my Third World Women Writers and the Politics of Decolonization class we talked about how often times white feminists are the most hurtful in pushing agendas that are harmful to women of color. ( I mean look at Hillary). If your feminism is  not intersectional than it’s no good.

It so happens that the woman that is staring down at me from the portrait is white.

That is when one of my puta decolonial ancestors whispered to me, “Do it for the culture. Do it for the land. Do it for justice!”

Ok ancestors I got you.I am doing this to reclaim the last 500 years that this land has suffered.

Yo! The house is nice. It has a balcony overseeing the bay area. I want to move in but honestly I want to do this fast , last thing I need is to end up being a storyline on the Oxygen Channel’s “Snap”. Who knows what his wife would do is she caught me here being a jezebel with her husband?

He walks me to the room and thats when I start feeling bad. I am telling you these men have no respect. Like I said I am feminist and I feel some sort of type of way laying with her man on her OWN bed so I tell him.

“Let’s just do it on the floor.” I do not need that kinda karma on me. I am not that fucked up.

We lay on the floor. He starts making it happen right, so as I am laying face up I turn my head to the right and there I see her Ugg boots.

Betch why does she have to have Uggs?! No wonder her man is on Grindr. All bad. This fool don’t care. Men are fucking dogs yall. Anyway, we get it poppin.

When we are done, he offers me a glass a water and begins to telling me how cute I am or some shit. He calls me an uber and as I am walking out the door. I whisper, “Sorry girl. Its not personal. Its political.”

Now that I think of it I want to send her this story or maybe write a letter telling her she should download Grindr and look out for “DL Professional Latino”  but I aint a messy betch and that is none of my business. I am writer and I am only here for the story.

Regardless of the ethics of all of this, at least I paid my respects and went home. Think about it had I been another hoe I would have not respected the sanctuary of that bed. Choose to judge me but think of this story as something you saw on “Sex in the City” and tell me you still feel the same way betch!

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